I'VE NEVER BEEN IN LOVE

but I've kissed a thousand frogs...

Disclaimer: Every time I write about love in my notes app(or post here), I feel like a fraud.

It's why I never finished a story series on a "friends-to-lovers" trope I started writing last year. I got stuck at a point and didn't know what the characters were supposed to be feeling because I'd never felt it myself, so I stopped writing.

There's a popular saying within writer circles; "write what you know".

To be honest, I don't know so much about love, at least not the romantic kind.

Love in friendship, I can say a bit about it, but the butterflies of romance have never visited my belly.

But even in my blissfully ignorant state one thing I've noticed is that when people say "I want to love" or "I want to be in love", what they really mean is " I want to be loved" It's part of our selfish nature, we all want that high, the wonderful feeling of being desired, we'd all pick being loved over giving love.

In my prayer journal(which I've nicknamed PJ) I recently wrote about how I don't exactly know what it is to be "in love", to "fall in love".

Yes, I know it's a weird subject to be writing about in a prayer journal, but didn't Jesus say he cares even about the hair on our heads?

There's no one else I'd rather talk about my nonexistent love life with except Jesus (and PJ of course).

Again, I'm stuck, what do I write next?

Ok, I've scrolled back up to the title of this post.

So let's talk about the possible reasons why the only man I've ever been in love with is Jesus;
1. I BREAK MY OWN HEART

I'm good at breaking my own heart so that you don't have to do it for me.

I'll overthink and overanalyze scenarios like I'm speaking to a therapist who lives in my head.

After my 'head-therapy', I'll conclude you're not good for me and decide to detach, helping you serve me breakfast before you finally do.

The bad news?

When you finally come with the biggest bowl of breakfast, I'll fling the bowl off the table, and it'll shatter like my heart did.

The good news? I'd already have picked up the shattered pieces of my heart so flinging your breakfast bowl would come very easy.

2. I LIKE MYSELF(a lil) TOO MUCH
How do I explain this without sounding self-absorbed?

The thing is, I like my space. I randomly think about how hard it'll be adjusting to a whole new human being in my space all the time when I get married.
I've lived alone for the last 3 years and before that, I had a room to myself for 4 years even though I lived in a flat with 2 other people.

I like quiet and solace and solitude. I like being by myself.

3. I'M A WEIRDO
Yeah, I was finally admitted.

I recall a close friend of mine not understanding the concept of a comfortable silence.

He didn't understand why I'd be in the same room as him, but wouldn't want to talk.
Sometimes I want the comfort of a person's presence, not their voice, just the knowledge that they're there.
I've not found any other weirdos like me, when I do, maybe I'll fall in love.

4. I PRETEND I DON'T LIKE CHEESY THINGS
I'm sure you can relate to this one. Acting like you don't blush when someone you're crushing compliments you or not even being able to say "I love you" out loud to your friends and family.

I can pretend all I want, but deep down, I want handwritten letters and notes. I want long emails and text messages to wake up to. I want to have an actual person to write to(sorry PJ😅).

with these few reasons, I hope I've been able to confuse you into thinking I want to be in love. Lol.

Whenever the subject of love and marriage comes up with my friends, I brush it off and say it's not that important.

And there's an element of honesty in that. I know I can do without the love of a mortal man, but that doesn't mean I want to do without it.

WRITER'S NOTE:

• PS: I wrote the first point/reason a few months ago, I just had to go to my notes, copy and paste it here

• The phrase "kissed a thousand frogs" was an eponym, I run when I see frogs
• As I write to you, I'm thinking twice about actually posting this. I guess since you're reading I finally posted.